and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
