I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You ruined the universe
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
