How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
accomplished twins. life is a go
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
