So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
