apparently the secret to your success is patron
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
