I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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