I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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