I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
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