Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
