How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
