dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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