I think i peed on brittanys purse
im having a threesome with these popsicles
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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