i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
