You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize
