I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i already hear my dad disowning me
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Randomize
