i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
So many bounce houses so little time
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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