The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
