you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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