Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
