thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
