this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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