M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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