Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
