Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
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Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
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Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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