I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
