i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
