sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
