You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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