she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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