If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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