Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
