I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
