the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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