why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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