I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
