I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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