Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
