Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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