I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
