Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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