I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
