he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
