You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
