Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
