I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
