Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
