i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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