And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
