this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
