Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
