We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
