D3 body, D1 cock
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
