he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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