While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
