to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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