my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
