Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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