Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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