If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
