Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
