my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
