There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
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I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
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And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
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