I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
