The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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