Life is so much better after having sex.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
