The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
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